Soooooooooooooooooo…

Percy, our most beloved cat passed last year on April 10, 2023. It was a battle a little over a week since he started to decline. I just visited him the weekend prior, and suddenly he lost appetite. I asked my sister to bring him to the vet for check up where he had his blood drawn.

Percy was diagnosed with a Cat Kidney Disease (CKD). He was sent home from the clinic and prescribed to take vitamins and renal diet from then on.

I didn’t know what it was then so I profusely researched about the disease, and what could we do to make Percy eat. He refused the renal food, neither his favorite tuna. I was willing to break that renal diet recommendation and bought human canned tuna from the cheapest to the most expensive one, just for Percy to eat. None of it appealed to him. At the end, we resorted to syringe feeding. God, it was the worst. We used to wrap in him in towel so he was pinned down every meal time when he was still strong.

There was a time he still could climb the stairs but eventually had to move him downstairs with me, in my room. We spent his remaining six nights together. I could not remember the sequence of the nights but there was once I cried so hard while talking to him, asking him to be braver than ever and he had to fight. There was a night I made his pillow. A night when I never slept. A night when Ate and I watched him slumped in the bathroom. A night when he tried to poop but only a tiny  poop came out. A night where I spent feeding him. A night where he no longer couldn’t use his litter box.. but I never got mad. Instead, I bought pee pads so he could pee anywhere. I also placed pee pads on my bed because I wanted us to sleep together while I hold his paws. A night when he no longer could use his legs properly!

The day he died, I woke up a little early as if I wasn’t suppose to fall asleep. Percy might had moved because I was no longer holding his hands so my heart skipped a beat.. and so I got up and looked for him. He moved but Ate was still looking after him. It was time for a meal or perhaps water. I held him dear. After a while, I remember taking another nap until I heard Ate speak because Percy moved downstairs. He moved under my desk which we emptied because he once peed in that area. Of course there were already pee pads but all of those were wrinkled as he reached for a darker spot.

It was then I felt helpless. It was time. He was lying on his belly, his arms were stretched. I was petting him, saying I love you, and ugly crying.

We were discussing our options. My sister was pro-mercy because she could not bear to see Percy suffer. Percy started panting. I was dying with him.. Paul was called downstairs to say good bye. Percy was panting less and less until he wasn’t anymore. I had it in record. I wanted a memory of when he was still alive. Even at the most unpleasant memory. A video where I could hear Ate say, “Baka nasasaktan na yan”, and it was just me to blame because I didn’t want mercy. Those words, her tone was embedded to me since that day.

I cried and cried and cried. Mama helped in looking for a place where we could bring Percy for cremation. She found one along Congressional avenue. I showered while crying. I cried and cried and cried.

Upon arriving at the crematorium, I bought the bestest option for his urn and memorabilia. We were offered to lay him in the chapel for 15 minutes. It took us more than 15 minutes to say good bye. It was so difficult.. the pain is something I could still feel to this day.

I started writing this entry last year November but only had the chance to continue writing. And I didn’t expect this would still pain me to this day. I haven’t cried for a long time but I miss him all the time.

I remember crying for months in the first year of his death. So much crying got me sick, I even got covid three weeks after his death. I didn’t even know covid was still around that time!

Were there signs? Yes. In September 2022, I stayed home with Percy and Nanay while my family went to Boracay. I noticed Percy finished his bowl of water very quickly and that there were two lumps of pee in his litter box on a daily basis. But apart from that, he seemed well. He was eating good. If only I had known better. Only if I knew how to take care of a cat! I only learned about these signs at the peak of his decline.

We don’t have an indoor cat anymore but we have cats outside. One is a resident inside our gate because he has some virus that we are hoping we are managing well by keeping him inside the gate. But this cat is young, maybe not even a year old, so he craves for play. He often runs out the gate all chance he gets. He could never replace Percy, as the best cat ever, but Whitey brings me joy somehow.